Funny Poems

One evening at dusk as Noah stood on his Ark,
Putting green oil in starboard side lamp,
His wife came along and said, 'Noah, summat's wrong,
Our cabin is getting quite damp ...
That's why dog has a cold nose, and ladies cold elbows,
You'll also find if you enquire,
That's why a man takes his coat tails in hand,
And stands with his back to the fire.

In the chosen land of Palestine, three thousand years ago
Lived a certain Jonah Somebody, whose surname we don¹t know
Who earned an honest living, in that far off foreign part
By the exercise of prophecy, that very ancient art

One day he got instructions to proceed without delay
And tell the wicked Ninevites, 'There¹d come a time some day.'

I went into a public- 'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls behind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:

O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy go away";
But it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins," when the band begins to play-

Who is this man who looks like Charlie Chaplin?
What makes him think that he can win a war?
It can't be the mouchache... that only makes us laugh
And Charlie's done it better... and before.
But don't let us be too hard on poor old Adolf
He's a Godsend to the comics, he's sublime
Cartoonists love his make-up... but one morning we shall wake up
And find it's Charlie Chaplin all the time!

The Barking Creek bell-ringer's bell it gets rung
When the fog lies thick on the water,
Though it's not of the Barking Creek bell my song's sung
But of the Barking Creek bell-ringer's daughter.

She whispered "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

I promised the wife the other day
A yard of lace I'd bring
From one of those Department Stores
Where they sell ev'rything:
So if you've got an hour or two
Or three or four to spare,
I'll tell you just exactly
All the things that happened there:

Now Arthur and Sam they were brothers
Who had spent all their lives pretty near
In a place as is called Ostley Woodhouse
That's near Ostley in Derbyshire

Of vices they hadn't got many
They said "smoking and drinking's for fools"
But they both clubbed together each week wi'out fail
And had 10 bob on th'old football pools

There were once two Irish labouring men; to England they came over;
They tramped about in search of work from Liverpool to Dover.
Says Pat to Mick, "I'm tired of this; we're both left in the lurch;
And if we don't get work, begad, I'll go and rob a church."

This is the tale of Hilda Hose
Who had a phosphorescent nose
Which sent out quite a glow before her
Reminding one of dawn's araura.
And people meeting her at night
Would comment on it's ruddy light
And Hilda said, if she heard,
'Ruddy' was a well picked word.